A Wicked Sense of Humor
by PresentlyPastDFuture
Summary: Whenever Glinda and Elphaba get together, there is no shortage of laughter. Their trip to see the Wizard is no exception.


**A Wicked Sense of Humor**

Glinda began skipping down the concrete sidewalk. Everywhere about her there was green, and she felt as cheery as a songbird. In a nasally voice, quite unlike her companion's, she began singing "Weeeeeeee're off to see the Wiz-ARD!" Out of pitch and off beat, Glinda's version had very little semblance to the original piece of art.

A rough voice next to her said, "You didn't kill me yet with that last spell of yours that went awry, and now you want to kill me with your singing!" Elphaba was heavily hinting to Glinda to JUST STOP.

Glinda turned towards her friend while continuing to skipping. "Oh! Jealous are we, Elphie?"

"Of what?" Elphaba nearly shouted.

"You know you want my exceptional talent. I didn't know you had a jealous bone in you!" Glinda gave a suggestive wink, "Kinda cute may I add."

The green witch mumbled, "Right now I have several angry bones and not afraid to use them for corporal damage…"

Glinda remained blissfully unaware and continued in her abrasive voice.

It was a somewhat pleasant morning, if not for the fact that people gave Glinda a wide berth. Those unfortunate ones that came too close covered their ears. The day presented a cloudless blue sky and the two best friends were walking along Main Street in the Emerald City. Everything was green, except for, quite randomly, the road they were on, which was a tarnished yellow color. Glinda admired all the sparkling green shops. Elphaba admired all the people cloaked in green. They were here in the Emerald City to visit the Wizard of Oz in order to sort out an Animal problem.

After a few moments, Glinda stopped her singing-thank Oz-and seemed to be deep in thought. Elphaba continued to remain wary. It was not uncommon for Glinda to burst back into song. But, most suspiciously, a thinking Glinda was rather unusual and often an occasion to be very cautious of.

Finally, Glinda asked "Elphie, do you think the Wizard will look more like a gizzard…or a lizard?"

So this was what was vexing her friend.

"What does that-"

The question, of course, was rhetorical, and Glinda continued talking. It was considered a lucky moment indeed if Elphaba could fit in a word or two in a very Glinda-sided conversation.

"I mean, when I become a famous, wealthy, and sublimely beautiful Person of Power, I would never have part of my name rhyme with such atrocious words."

Elphaba groaned, "Because, of course, we all know that's the most imperative facet to consider when-"

"What do you think of Glinda the Gorgeous?"

Elphaba considered then said, "Rhymes with enormous."

"Glinda the Pretty?"

"Rhymes with shitty."

"Glinda of Glorious Class?"

"Rhymes with Notorious A-"

"I have a great one!" Glinda was prancing with excitement. "How. About. Are you ready…..Glinda the Good!"

A pause. Elphaba burst out laughing.

"How absurd, Glinda! You weren't even any good last night!"

They both stopped dead in their tracks. Elphaba's face bore a look of terror. Glinda's eyes were narrowed slits of anger.

"What was that, _Miss_ Elphaba Thropp?" Glinda asked in a slow, even voice.

"I'm just saying….don't tell me you don't remember stealing my Rinaoma Ring which-"

"I was _going_ to give it back to you after playing 'Guess Which Hand.' But, I see now you have no sense of humor!" Glinda threw the emerald and diamond adorned gold ring back at Elphaba. "Take it! It seems to be your only Love anyways." Glinda resumed walking towards the castle where the Wizard resided.

Elphaba followed, her head lowered in anger at both herself and Glinda. _Why did I have to open my mouth? I was only playing along. Look who doesn't have a sense of humor now!_

They walked for quite a while in silence until Elphaba could not take it anymore. "Glinda, look, I'm sor-"

"Name?" The voice was deep and commanded respect-or at least obedience.

"Glin?" Elphaba was so surprised that she did not at first equate the deep voice with the Castle Guards. She looked up and saw Glinda was scared silent (quite a feat) and staring at the numerous weapons that decorated the Guard.

The Guard turned to Glinda, "And you, Blonde Broad?"

Elphaba rounded on the guard, "You Scum! Nobody calls my friend-"

"Glin and Uscum. You may proceed. Here're your tickets. Refreshments are in the Waiting Room." He then added in a slightly more upbeat tone, "The venison pates are actually quite good."

"Wait! Our names are-" But Elphaba and Glinda were forced through the large double doors before further protests could be made.

The vast foyer and hallway were resplendent in green and structurally designed to be a very formal Room of Waiting. Large refreshment machines adorned one side of the wall and several caterers walked among the throng of people to serve hor d'ouevrs.

"So this is where our tax money goes to." Glinda looked around in amazement.

Elphaba turned on Glinda, "You couldn't have intervened just a little, now I'm known as a cudgel-scared Glin!"

"What's that supposed to mean? Anyways, don't think I'm getting stuck with Uscum. _I'm_ Glin and the Wizard shall know you as-"

"Venison pate, ma'am?" A caterer had come by.

Glinda replied cheerfully, "Oh no thank you, those things go straight to my thighs." She turned back to Elphaba angrily shouting, "And who was the genius that got our names mixed up in the first place!"

"_That_ wouldn't have happened if you only had a little sense of humor!"

"What are you talking about?"

"If you had a sense of humor, you would be talking to me and I wouldn't have-"

"Halibut with rice on slim Italian bread, ma'am?"

Elphaba grabbed the caterer by the collar, "No THANK YOU! Can't you see I'm trying to have a con-"

"Ticket P28K&!" shouted a Guard.

"That was quick," Glinda remarked. Elphaba release the caterer's shirt and tried to calm herself as she and Glinda walked through another set of large, ornate double doors.

Once inside, thunder rang through the Great Hall. Rain poured from the center part of the ceiling as if to indicate the impending entrance of an ominous figure. Elphaba froze.

"Wow, Elphie, you thought I was bad with Guards and their weapons, but, come on, a little water?" Glinda playfully flicked some drops onto Elphaba, hoping to ease her fears.

There were hissing noises and burn marks appeared on Elphaba's arm. Elphaba screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

"Oops! Looks like your fears were justified after all."

Elphaba closed her mouth and gave a muffled scream; her lips were sealed as if to prevent any choice words from exiting. _Calm down. Calm down._ She sorely needed to have her blood pressure checked soon. She was going to be in for a surprise with the results.

The Wizard finally spoke, "Glin and Uscum?"

Elphaba turned to the Wizard. "Benevolent, Wise Wizard"

"Don't give me that absurd title. A good ruler is neither giving nor judicious."

Elphaba knew it was going to be a long afternoon, "Almighty Wizard-"

"Much better"

"-I have come to express my deeply unsettled conscience on how to appropriate the commandments concerning the governing of Animals"

"Come now, plain and simple, you think I graduated from high school?"

"Animals shouldn't be treated badly, Great Wizard."

"And who are you to tell me what to do?"

"Excuse me, Omnipotent Wizard." Glinda didn't want to miss out on the action. "I am Glinda Arduenna. Since she is my friend, and I am in a position of class. That makes her a person of power as well."

The Wizard paused as if in thought, "Can you sing, Uscum?"

"What does that-"

"I can!" Glinda pronounced quite happily.

"NO! Don't let her-"

"If you both can, then I will spare your lives, for your idiocies must surely have reached felony levels by now, and you both can work entertaining me."

"_Sir_, about the Animals-"

"What _is_ your fixation with Animals? Was your Mother one?" The Wizard laughed at his own clever joke.

Glinda giggled, but Elphaba gave the Wizard a water-burning stare.

The Wizard continued chuckling, wiping a tear from his eye, "Oh my, has anyone ever told you that you don't have a scrap of humor?"

Elphaba snapped.

"And if I told you I'd rather start a rebellion to topple your empire? If I told you I would set my life's purpose to create anarchy and start a movement that would rock the foundation of your empire, persuading both Animals and non-animals alike to join my cause, would you think me a joker then?"

"I'd say you're hired!"

"Then, Misbegotten Wizard, you would be sorely mistaken, for that was no joke."

Glinda gasped. "Elphie! What in Oz are you saying? Please Wizard she hasn't had much sleep, and the doctors say her blood pressure is-"

Elphaba began pulling Glinda away, "Come on Glinda! I have a lot of work cut out for me if I'm to topple Oz in my lifetime."

The Wizard called out, "Don't forget to send me a card! You're dismissed."

"We were just leaving!" Elphaba shouted back. She stormed out of the throne dragging Glinda behind her. They had re-entered the Great Room of Waiting.

"Penne en cabernet sauvignon?" Elphaba shoved the caterer aside. The tray and all the contents spilled onto the poor soul.

"Elphie, quit tugging so! This is my best pink dress with silk lacing!" They had finally reached the bustling street. The sun was as bright as ever and Elphaba was squinting up and down the street, as if searching for something.

"Elphie, please talk to me. Why did you speak to the Wizard like that? What is going on? Can you at least tell me what is going on?"

A bus-cart was coming along and Elphaba stepped in front of it.

Glinda screamed. The Driver cursed. The bus-cart came to a screeching halt.

"Get in, Glin." With effort, Elphaba added, "Please."

"Well okay, but you're paying for the tab."

"Done. And here are a few more coins for food."

Glinda looked suspiciously at Elphaba. The stingy green witch was often known to fight _not_ to pay for anything.

"What's going on, Elphie?"

"I can't go with you back to Shiz. I was serious, Glin, when talking about the rebellion."

"Elphie, can't we just talk-"

"I did, Glin, and look what just happened."

"I meant between us!"

Elphaba paused. She then began softly, "No time, Glin. You need to go back for an education, or whatever it is you do at school, before they become too worried with your absence. I've got to find people who would help in my cause. Besides, I've made up my mind, and it seems we've got to go our separate ways. There is nothing to discuss."

"And what am I supposed to do? Act like your disappearance is nothing? Act like I don't care or that I don't miss you?"

"Yes and Yes. I know you're quite brave when needed."

"But it's always been because you were there with me."

"Hey, you're holding up the line here!" The bus-cart driver was getting very annoyed.

"Shut up!" Elphaba then turned to her friend, "Glinda, always remember to keep singing in that…voice I know so well and," Elphaba placed the Rinaoma Ring in Glinda's hand, "Hold out, my sweet." A kiss. "Hold out."

Elphaba stepped away from the bus-cart and the driver quickly led it away. She watched the cart long after it had disappeared. Then she turned and took her first step towards a new beginning. Elphaba was going to show the Wizard just how humorous she could be.


End file.
